Reluctant Writer

Apparently, I’m starting to write again. To be honest, I’ve been writing for years, and intentionally doing so again for the past year and a half. However, it hasn’t been for public consumption. At least not yet.

Yet, as I’ve been slowly chewing away on this project, I’ve now been told I need to “go public”. I guess I’ve reached the point where I need to either step out and say, “Ok, I’m doing this,” or close the laptop and leave the words to sit in the deep corners of my hard drive.

This all sounds so cloak and dagger, so let me back up.

Like so many people, Write a Book, has always been a secret bucket list item. I rarely would acknowledge it was on my bucket list, because let’s be honest, it probably wasn’t going to happen. But in the recesses of my mind, I liked the idea. To say I was a published author would have been a huge highlight in my life. Towards the end of high school, the idea came to me to write about my experience as the biological daughter to parents that did foster care and eventually guardianship/adoption. The story of adoption, not from someone in the triad (Birth Mom, Adoptee, Adoptive Parent) but from a background character.

Well, like most people with a book idea, I moved on with my life. However, as the years passed, the idea would pop up again and again. I started to write. Page after page of random thoughts and ideas. Paragraphs here, quick sentences there. I had a drive file filled with partial chapters, attempted introductions, pleading with imaginative readers to understand my intentions. To hear my heart and not just the seemingly selfish words coming off the page. But that’s how it felt. Over and over again, I found myself writing in circles. Struggling to find a way to explain my perspective without hurting anyone, either directly involved, or that might someday read my work. Is it best to write in first person? Third? Should I write is as nonfiction or a novel that simply leans on my past for inspiration? What do I know about writing a book anyway! The first rule of writing, Know your audience! If you write for everyone, you write for no one. And that’s exactly what I was doing. Trying to write all my thoughts into words that wouldn’t offend, wouldn’t hurt, wouldn’t vilify….but ultimately, wasn’t honest. So, it all just sat, slowly accumulating into a collection of secret thoughts and fears, hidden away from the world.

That’s when the Holy Spirit started to get more insistent. What was once little ideas that briefly flashed through my mind, turned into texts that said, “I talked to someone today that needs your book.”

”Hey, I was reading this devotional today, and it made me think of you.”
- topic of devotional: Share Your Story (How ironic)

Over and over again, these not so subtle reminders made themselves known. Sermon on your purpose in life? Funny, all I can think about is a book I’ve been reluctant to write.

After a friend convinced me to take a thirty some week class with her about healing past hurts, did I decide to buckle down and get this thing written. My thought was, “Apparently this is going to haunt me until I die if I don’t. Let’s get it done, so I can move on with life.” My plan was to take the class on Monday nights, dig up all the deep emotions I didn’t want to deal with. Tuesday my kids would be at daycare and school, so I would be able to process and write. That first class I sat down, and the facilitator asked what we were all hoping to get out of the class. I confidently said, “God told me to write a book I don’t want to write. I’m hoping after working through all of this, by this spring I’ll have finished my book too.” (Spoiler: it’s not finished)

Anyway, I took the class. Each Monday night I drug myself to the little building downtown, watched the video, processed all the emotions inside, confessed to feelings I didn’t know I still had, and opened up about hurts I had long past thought I had moved on from. However, as Tuesday mornings rolled around, I was rarely in an emotional state to write about it all. So, I was back to writing little snippets here and there. Watching as God slowly helped me unravel the lies I had been telling myself and living with for decades.

Then, one October a friend called and said, “I was listening to a podcast the other day and they were talking about ghost writers. It totally made me think of you! Maybe you should look into a ghost writer for your book.” To be honest, I LOVED THIS IDEA! I would find someone else to write the book! I could sit through some interviews, talk about all the things, let them write it, and then I could go back and help tweak things a bit. It sounded like the perfect plan!

A few weeks later as we were finishing up our Monday night class, I stopped an author friend that was also in the class with me and said, “Hey, what do you know about ghost writing, and do you know anyone that does it?” My thought was she had to have been as some conference somewhere where she met someone that did this. In only a God moment, she looked at me her arm spreading out to the side, and said, “Have you met my friend, Kathy?” Shocked! I turned the direction she was indicating, “Kathy? You’re a ghost writer?” She had recently moved from Colorado, with her husband, and was facilitating our class. Kathy explained that she was indeed a ghost writer but was conscientious of only having one or two projects at a time and right now she already had two going. She was hoping to finish up one in the new year, but would love to get together to chat about my idea regardless.

And so we did. However, after having her read several of my random pages she concluded, “I could write this, but I think you have the skills to write it yourself. What if we did a coaching relationship instead?”

That whole backstory brings me to where I am today, almost two years out from when I started that class, and over a year from when I said I would be done with this book. BUT! I am actually writing it, however reluctant I might be.

All that circles back to being told it was time to “Gather an audience”.
Writing the book? Fine. I guess I can do that.
Putting myself out there to actually say, “I’m writing this book and you should know about it” or “Follow me for content about this topic”….I’m not sure I’m ready for that. Might never be. But for now, it’s gonna start with me reluctantly attempting to blog again.

So, I guess we shall see how this goes. Nothing like a fifth time strong right?